I am surprised that things went as they did.
But for now - it's a lot to deal with.
Four and a half year.
And there is a void.
Right now for me to express everything is next to impossible - sadness, emptiness, anger, resentment, heartbreak - the list of adjectives goes on.
Four and a half years.
I wish there were some statistic or study that has been done that was not the result of some religious group's sentiment towards homosexuality but I have not found anything neutral.
Right now I want the hurt to stop.
If there were signs I wish I could have recognized them. Yes these were all things we had talked about previously - but YOU JUST DO NOT GIVE UP. That's what I feel. I was given up upon. Yes there were things about him that bugged me - holding things in until they bubbled over for one - other things as well - but you do not give up. You address the issue - if it does not take - you continue the communication - but you do not act like you are going to get over it or that it is status quo and you can learn to tolerate - you communicate - and if you can not do that, you need to fix it - and if you can not fix it that you ask for help whether from the person you supposedly love or friends or from a counselor - you don't stubbornly let pride prevent you from that - and if you think that it says something about your character because you had to ask for help - you are quite mistaken - if anything it demonstrates a lack there of - a lack of a willingness to grow and to change and nurture the relationship.
I am by no means a perfect man in any sense of the word - but goddamn it I tried. I tried my damnedest to overcome things - things that were not that bad. I was able to emerge quite a bit the better because I was able to find an outlet not just in friends but in others. And until that realization occurs - happiness - meaning happiness through the love of another is something that may beyond your reach.
I was willing to go to the moon and back. I accept responsibility for my flaws and I am still growing and changing as a person - I am far from perfect but when someone offers to go the distance you don't give up because the means of taking you there is taking to long to complete or because a part is missing.
And while I am no where near ready for anything new - I need to go forward and finish what I started.
And I can't help but feel pity and sorrow along with the void and the other emotions - because you gave up - and maybe I am misinterpretting but given what I was given it's the only conclusion I can come too. And if I am wrong so be it, but if the reasons demonstrate the expectations despite the honesty and openness, than I can only see short-term satisfaction and long term disappointment. As I said - I could very well be wrong but I don't think so.
The rest is silence.